I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
