So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
