Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
