oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize