she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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