I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
