I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
