Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
