We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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