you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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