This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
