Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
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