dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
