Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
