I wish I only lived at night.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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