I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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