dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
