dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
People in love make me want to vomit
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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