i think my tv is drunk
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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