he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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