i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize