My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
