is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
