It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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