I hate all girls vehemently.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
