Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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