DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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