Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
The air taste purple.
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