the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
