I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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