I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
