Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I bet he comes in French.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
