I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
