she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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