Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
