I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
