just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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