I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
