My first STD was from a foam party
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
