Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
