She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
