I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
the liver wants what the liver wants
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
