You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
