Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
