She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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