I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Your cock deserves a montage
I didn't notice because vodka
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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