Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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