Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
my liver is dry heaving
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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