I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
