I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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