dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
