I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
