never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
