just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
