Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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