Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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