How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
