I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
