i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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