The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
