Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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