highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize